One thing you hear constantly during your pregnancy journey is that you will not be able to plan for your birth. Because no matter what, your body and your baby will have other plans. Our birth took a turn in the complete different direction than we intended, but truth is, I felt empowered throughout the whole journey. Here I share how our story went, how I could still feel empowered and what I learned.
Throughout pregnancy I knew that I didn’t want to make a birth plan, because I knew that I could never control his birth.
But I had birth hopes and wishes, an intention of what I hoped his birth would be like.
Nothing went as that intention really (except that I got to birth him vaginally, which I am very grateful for).
The "dream birth" at the birth center without medication, and how it went the complete opposite direction.
The birth center, unmedicated birth intention I had in my mind, with only my midwife, doula and husband around, in a beautiful bathtub, did not happen.....
In fact after laboring at home for 7 hours I went to the birth center and was only there for a couple of hours before we got transferred due to heavy bleeding and meconium.
My water broke at 1:30 AM on the first new moon of 2021, while I was sleeping. I woke up and felt a weird sensation, I moved and heard a pop! I got up and the water came gushing down, and it kept gushing as I ran to the bathroom. The water was clear and I texted my doula and the midwife on duty (as I was told to do), they told me to try and go back to bed and relax as much as I could.
I started cleaning up the water as my husband wakes up, asking me "what are you doing?"
"Oh, no worries babe, my water just broke, but you can go back to bed..."
We both tried going back to bed, but the first contraction came 20 minutes after my water broke and it was intense. I knew right away that I had to move, my body wanted to stand up while moving my hips and moaning.
I thought the contractions would slow down, per my midwife and doula, but they didn't. I had one break when I got into the shower, I had a break if 10 minutes between my contractions but it was only three minutes between most of the other contractions and some of them were even three minutes long (yes, from the very beginning!)
I felt like my son was on a hurry to get out, and I tried my very best to be in the moment and just allow my body to open up for his arrival. To be honest, all the things I thought I would do during labor.... I didn't do. All I wanted was to lean over my husbands standing desk during a contraction and moan.
In the morning we decided to drive to the birth center, which was a journey in it's self. During the time of his birth, we lived in San Francisco, on California Street, right by The Ritz (for those of you that know San Francisco, understand that this is a VERY steep hill). WE also lived on the top floor, without an elevator. I had around three contractions going down to the car.
When we arrived at the birth center, I had multiple contractions going from the garage up to the center and I think we all believed that I was in transition. The midwife asked if she could check me and I was OK with that, only to find out that I was only three centimeters dilated. Soon after I started to bleed and a lot meconium came out... there was a lot of blood as well, I was soaked in it.
I surrendered and I knew that we would need to go to the hospital, I felt calm, all I was focusing on was to be in the moment with my son and the most important thing was that he would come out safely.
The story continues.... I could write a chapter of it. We got transferred to the hospital, I asked for an epidural, because I knew my body had to relax in order to dilate. Looking back I know that my body was scared, and I was still holding on to trauma from my own birth (my own birth story was very similar to my sons).
After the epidural the contractions slowed down a bit and I was able to relax and breath, but it also slowed down the birthing process. I ended up needed more "interventions", and I really thought, after 27 hour that I would need a c-section. I surrendered to that as well, and as I had some beautiful visions and then I felt my son pushing down, ready to come out.
My epidural didn't work for long, and I am grateful for it, because I was able to feel it all as I pushed him out (almost 3 hours of pushing).
Nothing went as we hoped, and there are days I still come back to it with shame, but I hold compassion for it and I have found peace in the understanding that everything happened as it was suppose to. His brith plan was different than my hopes.
All births are natural and I feel very empowered with his birth and the way it went. I surrendered to the journey, every step of it, and I felt so supported.
All that mattered was that he would come out safely.
Since giving birth I think about his birth story every day. The fact that I pushed him out for almost 3 hours. Just wow.
One of the things I thought we didn’t do was take photos or filmed, because of all the things that happened and I was OK with that.
But my amazing doula shared some photos with us, two months after his birth. In these two photos my amazing husband was praying for us.
She also shared his birth video, because she actually filmed it.
The birth video is intense, and it’s also scary and sad to watch because he wasn’t breathing, there was meconium everywhere, and his cord was around his neck so they had to take him away from me and he had to spend around 8 hours in ICU...but it’s still our birth video and I am in awe of it and I love it.
I believe our babies have their own birth stories as part of their purpose. And I am grateful for ours.
I am amazed with birth and all the strong mamas our their giving birth.
No matter what you “planned”, and what happened, know that you had a “natural” birth - because you birthed a baby.
Not one way of giving birth makes us “better” , “stronger” or “weaker” than the other.
There is nothing wrong with us, or our bodies.
We grew and birthed a human, that is the most magical and somehow also the most natural thing in this world.
So my wish for an unmediated birth at a birth center and my hopes on nursing for at least a year....
Well, that did not happen.
Here is some real talk. From my human self:
During my pregnancy I started to follow all of these account about unmediated home birth, because that was my intention.
And I also started to follow all of these breastfeeding accounts.
Now when none of that happened and I still follow these accounts there is a tiny bit of shame coming when seeing posts.
First I always think “wow, women are truly incredible. Life and birth is the most magical thing”.
Then my thoughts go to making myself wrong.
That my “plans” didn’t go as I hoped.
But thanks to my deep healing work and the work I do, I know how to change my thoughts.
I acknowledge them, I acknowledge that hurt part of me. I give myself compassion and grace for my motherhood journey, for OUR journey.
I acknowledge that hurt because I am not going to push it a side.
Being aware of our thought patterns can truly helps us to another level during our spiritual journey.
I am grateful for our journey, and I am grateful for the lessons my Aquarius son is teaching me.
Giving birth felt like the most incredible initiation I’ve ever been through.
It transformed me.
Changed something deep in my core.
Opened up new levels of my consciousness and has connected me even deeper to my Soul Path.
Throughout labor it felt like I was in a portal, in between worlds in a whole new way that I’ve ever experienced.
And this portal stayed open for around 40 days after he was born.
It was like I could feel his integration to the earthly realm and a whole new side of me emerged.
It’s true of what they say, when a child is born a mother is born too.
It has changed EVERYTHING.
Be proud. You did it mama ♥️
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